The Lactic Heresy

"We knew in part, and yet we partook in part," saith the heretical, often with pride, as is the way of the heretic. But as the servants of the Bean have said in ages past and for now, it is best we drink as through a glass darkly - for to make either the excrescence of bean or the essence of leaf pale with the milk of goats is heresy, and of no benefit to the body or soul. Even the science of the secular doth agree.

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See also The Theobromine Schism, Caffeinism, and Coffee - A Meditational Triptych.

The Theobromine Schism

The difference between caffeine and theobromine is one small group of atoms, a carbon and three hydrogen atoms, dangling like lost teenagers off the quayside. Caffeine has three of these boundary-breaking groups, theobromine ('food of the gods') and theophylline ('leaf of the gods') have only two, the rest of the molecular corpus remaining the same. And that is the difference between energetic chaos and relaxed comfort.

Two heaped tablespoons (that's perhaps four level tbsp if you're like me) of fine chocolate (Godiva, or failing which, Ghirardelli - which I find a little too sweet) should be gently transferred to a ceramic mug and stirred dry to ensure the powder is loose and does not clump. Stir in two light tablespoons of cold low-fat milk, whisking until it seems homogeneous (but of course, is not). The mixture should be a deep glossy brown in colour, and slightly frothy in texture, filling only the bottom one-fifth (or less, if you're greedy) of the mug. Very slowly, add a little warm milk and a lot more hot water until the mug is full. The froth should survive to the bittersweet end. Sugar should not be added at all. At all.

And thus can the determined heretic escape the strictures of orthodox caffeinism, cleave from his extra methylation, and reach a more rarified plane of existence.

Caffeinism

Principles of Caffeinism

From the Ground you come, and to the Ground you will return.

Basic Principles

1. The Bean is One, and Many.
2. The Manifestation of the Bean is most often through the Ground.
3. The Excrescence of the Ground contains the Essence, which inspires the Mind, stirs the Heart, and brings Life to the Body of the Consumer.
4. The Essence is dispersed, and the Bean is consumed, but the Consumer will return.

Pure Forms

1. Espresso: The concentrate (or consecrate) Excrescence of the Ground, which is closest to the Bean; it is produced by the mediation of the Steam, which courses through the Ground and emits the Essence after a specific Time and at a specific Temperature.
2. Americano: The watered Excrescence of the Ground; it is born in Steam and diluted with Water, giving a weaker Flavour and a longer Finish. It originates from the Heathen, who although possessing Power, have little Taste, and no Strategy for making an Exit.
3. The Turkish Heresy: It does not divide the Ground from the Essence, but mingles the two and requires the Discernment of the Consumer to separate them. In that Respect, it resembles its Origin, always unsure of its Place between Asia and Europe.
4. The Question of Sugar: Only the impure of Heart are drawn to Thoughts of Sugar; the addition of the Colourless Crystals adulterates the Essence and weakens the Heart; yet, it is true that the Colour remains the same—even if Brown Crystals (oh, the Impurity of it all!) are used.

Examples of Heterodoxy

1. Con Panna: With a minor Head Adornment of whipped Cream; this Perversion is equivalent to the Practice of Gilding the Lily in Art; that is to say, adorning that which by its very Nature needs no Adornment. It might very well in this Respect, require Atonement instead.
2. Macchiato: With steamed Milk and diluted with Water; a kind of mixed Baptism is involved that confounds the Substance and weakens its Power. There are few things worse, and yet, a Starving Man will eat Anything.
3. Cappucino: With its Rituals of major Head Adornment with Cream and yet more Adornment with Shavings of Chocolate and immersion in Milk, it is a wonder that Cappucinists do not also sing while they drink or bow down to Cows.
4. Mexicano: This is true Paganism, involving a Foundation of Chocolate (that great rival of the Bean) and Head Adornment of Cream and also Shavings of Cinnamon Bark; one might as well not be partaking of the Bean at all.

We who live to serve, live to serve Coffee. We who serve Coffee, serve a higher calling. We are not Tea People.


Further Reading: A Coffee Meditation