Crossing The River

'Crossing The River' is an old meme, and a profound one. I have written about the significance of the Latin word terminus before – 'boundary', which we now think of only as a discrete end or a discrete beginning (whether discreet as well is a different matter). The point really is that we tend to think of life's rites of passage according to one of very few metaphors: the Terminus, as a gate in a wall or a river crossing, is the pre-eminent one.

With that in mind, I spent this morning thinking of the various crossings I've made over the years. It strikes me that these years are critical in that the river to be crossed is the widest I've ever seen. I once had a dream, when I was about six, and it went something like this: a small boy crosses a drain by jumping over it; he becomes older and it is a sewer with a bridge across; he is even older, but now he is crossing a crocodile-infested river while hanging onto a thin rope. I woke up in a fervid sweat.

Right now, it seems that I have been hanging in a reasonably comfortable lodge overlooking a turbulent stream. I am doing well here; I do my job as a jungle guide and all that, and the customers are mostly satisfied and have a fair amount of fun. But perhaps one night I will be shot in the back or knifed by someone I ought to be able to trust. That being so, my nice secure job at the lodge is likely to get me killed; it is where my enemies know where to find me.

Regarding enemies, there are two schools of thought: the first says, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"; the second says, "God bless and keep the Tsar... far away from us!" I have seen both these quotes in novels, plays and musicals; they are very much part of our common humanity.

And perhaps that is why I dither on this side of the river. I know my enemies and my friends, and I know that all that saves me from damnation is the conscience that restrains. It is very hard to realise that the only reward I get is a stay of execution, and yet I have to trust that it will count for something in the end – on the other side of another river.

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River of Dreams

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for...

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night...

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land...

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night...

by Billy Joel, in River of Dreams (10 Aug 1993)