Mission: Implausible

I grew up, as did my ancestors and much of my family, in what some would call a 'mission' school and others might call a 'parochial' school. I used to think (or was brought up to believe) that the 'mission' of such a school would look something like this: "To provide young men an education that will suffice for all their later life, to the glory of God the Father."

I don't mean to say that another mission statement might not serve better, nor that other words might not sound better or be more apt. However, I do think that the kinds of mission statement which educational institutions serve up nowadays are a little flat. They sound more like engineering mottos ('Vorsprung durch technik' comes to mind, from my favourite car marque) or like some secular smorgasbord (see this for an example).

The problem might not be one purely of aesthetics or style or even of content, but of plausibility. Consider this: "Our mission is to provide excellent holistic education through quality human technology in an innovative working environment." It is as if they held a competition to see how many buzzwords they could cram into a single line; you couldn't remove a single phrase without feeling a little less than perfect, it seems to say. But is it a do-able mission? Can it be done?

To assess that, you'd have to define the terms first. And as with so many other buzzword-laden statements, the meaning of the line melts into nothingness when brought under rigorous scrutiny. I thought I might start out by attempting to parse that line, but I find myself bereft of the necessary stamina at this point. Oh well.

At least it is not a motto like that of an ambitious secondary school I once saw. That school had placed on all available surfaces the portentous words 'Who Dares Wins'. That is, of course, the motto of the SAS, those excellent and truly world-class British commandoes. I shudder to think what goes on behind the pristine chain-link fence of that quiet neighbourhood school.