Thursday, May 31, 2007

Rite Of Examination (Part 2)

The Examination has commenced. In the Great Hall, every candidate who seeks the crown "downward bends his burning eye at mysteries so bright." And the minor rituals are observed with care and precision. Three such rituals, of common use, are described below.

I. The Question is Questioned

Candidate: (raising hand) I confess to you my perplexity in this time of trial, O Lictor. I am innocent in thought and deed. I survey the question of the test, and I am confounded, for I understand not and the universe is a complicated and lonely place.

Lictor Invigilis: O Candidate, the question you survey is correct in all its form and structure. Read carefully, and with insight, and you shall see the truth and it shall make you free.

Candidate ponders the question of the test anew, and finds enlightenment. Or not.

(Alternatively: O Candidate, you who survey the question have seen the truth. We shall summon the Magister Coordinationis to clarify the meaning unto you.)

II. The Water Ritual

Candidate: (raising hand) I confess to you my incontinence in this time of trial, O Lictor. I am innocent in thought and deed. I seek permission to enter the secret room, and relieve myself of an aqueous burden and perhaps one of semi-solid nature.

Lictor Invigilis: O Candidate, the permission you seek is granted, for who should restrain you in this moment of your human need? Sign your true name in the Register of Effluence, and you shall be relieved of your burden.

Candidate observes proper formalities and is escorted out by a lictor. When the candidate is done, the lictor provides a return escort.

III. The Request out of Insufficiency

Candidate: (raising hand) I confess to you my insufficiency in this time of trial, O Lictor. I am guilty of squandering resources and destroying forests in my pride; I have too much to write and too little material on which to say it.

Lictor Invigilis: O Candidate, the material you seek is given to you, for as the Good Book says: ask and it shall be given unto you. Here then are two sheets, and should you require but one, you shall have the conscience absolved of the death of a shrub or two in the jungles of the Nether Archipelago.

Lictor hands over a supply of additional material. Candidate formally expresses gratitude. Frantic scribbling ensues.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Becca said...

I like your description of a toilet break. nice

Saturday, June 02, 2007 9:51:00 pm  

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